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How I Got Ten Children

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               I always thought that five children sounded like the perfect number for my future family. I pictured this perfect little angelic family with my five darlings posing in their matching satiny blue and white sailor suits, maybe three boys and two girls; so adorable with their clean, smiling, dimpled faces, sitting so nicely and well-mannered. It was picture perfection.             When I met the love of my life, he informed me that he wanted 24 children. So, we compromised. End of story. Well, something like that. We did decide together that God wanted us to do our part in helping to multiply and replenish the earth and raise up righteous seed. We knew that, as hard as it might be, as long as we were keeping the commandments, God would bless us and somehow everything would turn out fine.              When I got to five, they were all pretty wonderful and I really wasn’t ready to stop. But when I got to eight, I did feel ready to stop. Eight is great, I told myself. Actually
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Stabbed Through the Heart and Stung By a Bee

          This past Summer I was stabbed through the heart and then stung by a bee. Nearly three years ago, I lost my husband to a sudden unforeseen brain tumor hemorrhage. We had just celebrated our 25 th wedding anniversary the week before. After his death, I was numb. I did not have the luxury of curling up in a corner and crying myself to death. I still had young children at home needing and depending on me. So, I pressed forward, trying to put on a smile for my kids and doing what I had to do.              I never planned on marrying again. I actually planned on getting my last child through life, at least to his mission, and then begging God to let me go home to be with my husband again. God has always been good to me. He hears and answers my prayers. Surely this would be agreeable to Him.             A couple years later, a met a man at church. He is probably the most beautiful man alive on this earth today. Surprisingly enough, he seemed to like me. After a few dates and an eng
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A Letter to my departed Husband

 2018 I saw your name and email today on Family Search. I evidently was following you in some work you had done for a family member. I saw your name and it stopped me in my tracks. I clicked on your name just to see what it would bring me. A box popped up with your email. It asked me if I wanted to send you a message. I had to pause. Oh, how I wished that I could. If only I could just send you a little message now and then. That started me thinking, what would I say, if I could send you a message?    I think I would start off by telling you how very much I miss you. I think you know how very much I love you. But I don’t know that you know how much I need you and miss you and long to be with you. It truly physically, mentally, spiritually hurts in every way imaginable not to have you close. To know that you aren’t coming home tonight and won’t be coming back for a very long time. I can’t even bear to think about how long it will be. It hurts too much. I have got to just take this one st
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Forced Out From the Shadows

  6 Jan. 2020 My mother is a wonderful outgoing friendly person. She was often visiting with someone, either in person or on the telephone. I used to love to walk through a room and overhear her in c onversation with someone because she was usually talking about her children and she always spoke in such high praise and esteem of me. I never heard her say anything negative about me in my life. And I tried to live up to her praise. I liked making my parents proud of me.    I felt rather bad for a couple of my siblings who did not always get the same praise. Oh, I’m sure that my mother loved us all the same. I don’t know, perhaps they just didn’t give her as many reasons to praise them. I know that one sister in particular seemed to always act in contradiction to any of my parents’ commands. I was often quite flabbergasted at how she and I would be given a certain command and then the second we were out of sight of our parents this particular sibling would do an exact opposite of what she
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  January 2019 I realized for the first time in my life last night that I am beautiful. I never, ever believed it. But last night I happened to see a small program about a certain famous female actress. The program talked about how she was the most gorgeous woman ever. I disagreed. There have been many, many sublimely beautiful women in movies and on the earth. This particular young woman used her body to get attention and money. She thought her body was her beauty. She enjoyed displaying her body as much and as often as possible.    In a younger day, I may have wanted to hate or envy such a creature. Especially since, for some odd reason, I seemed to believe all the cruel little boys of my youth who repeatedly informed me of my ugliness, over any contrary compliment from anyone all the rest of my life.     Last night as I finished this program, instead of feeling envious in any way, I couldn’t help but feel very sad for this lost young woman. How sad of her to feel like and believe th
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Go-Fund-Me

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5 January 2019     It was one year ago today that all my hopes and dreams for this life dissolved in one sudden, sleepless night. Thankfully, the gospel of Jesus Christ gives me hopes and dreams that go beyond this temporary existence. This and my precious children are what get me out of bed each morning and keep me going throughout each day.    I will probably never know all who contributed to our Go-Fund-Me last year. But I want you to know what a huge blessing it was for our family. I don’t know how we could have gotten along without it, without you and your generous contributions. We faced a lot of changes and major events last year. I pray God bless each and every one of you that have done so much to bless our lives. Thank you for helping to ease our burdens. 
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Never Stop Fighting

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            For some reason, I have been surrounded in my life with men addicted to pornography. Maybe it’s everywhere now. I don’t know. Maybe it just seems that every man on earth today is addicted to pornography, but I don’t feel that this is truly the case. We all sin in different ways and have different weaknesses and strengths. But pornography has certainly spread itself thick all over the world and is quickly encompassing and destroying so much that has been precious in this world.          I am most familiar with two particular men who each have or had a pornography addiction. One was my late husband. The other, my ex-boyfriend.              I was not aware of my husband’s pornography addiction until after we married. He brought home a pornographic video one night and tried to convince me of how much more fun sex would be after viewing the video. He told me that pornography was only forbidden for unmarried men. “Once you are married,” he said, “you can do whatever you want.” I
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