How Did I Get Here

         

            How did I get here? How did Satan get such a hold on me? I have always tried to do what's right. I am a very faithful, prayerful, obedient child of God. Of course, I am not perfect. I repent daily and acknowledge my faults to God. I know that I need Him. I am nothing without Him. So, which door was it that I accidentally left open for Satan to get in and get such a foot hold?

           I recently had an experience with a man that was different than anything I have had to deal with in my life before. Perhaps because I have led such a sheltered life. I am a forty-seven-year-old widow. I never really dated or had any boyfriends growing up. I married at the age of nineteen and began having children and being the best wife and mother, I could be. 

            All I ever wanted in life and dreamed of was to be a wife and mother and homemaker. While my friends would play M*A*S*H and dream of movie stars and mansions, I only wanted a good man who loved me and a nice little place in the country where we could raise our family to be good people with a happy life. I didn’t need money or riches or fame. I only wanted love. 

Love for me is a necessity. In order to truly live and be happy, I need to give and receive love. Love is as essential to me as food or water or air. I think that if we are honest with ourselves, it is essential for us all. We are born with this need. A baby needs to be held and feel loved as much as it needs to be nursed or have a diaper changed. It may not be tangible, but it is just as real. 

I don’t think we ever grow out of that need to be loved. We may harden our hearts against it, usually out of not having received a proper portion of it from the start. We may not have had any choice in the matter. We may simply have been born into a home void of love. We may learn to get by without this much needed necessity, but our lives certainly suffer for the lack of it. Someone who was not given love in their childhood usually begins to seek some twisted mirage of love in acceptance from outside sources or products that numb us to the pain of not having love. Which then may cause many to be bound to an empty, rocky path of always searching and never quite reaching that invisible something we spend our lives trying to find, never feeling fulfilled. 

No wonder the scriptures tell us that the greatest of all gifts is the Love of God. Even one who is subject to be born into a life without love can be filled with the pure love of God if they find their way to Him and accept His love. His love can fill the void, enliven our souls, change our hearts and heal us.

I was so very blessed to have been born into a home and family that loved me and raised me with the knowledge of the love of God and truths of His gospel. I am eternally grateful. If there were nothing else in life, I could be happy and well enough off. I could have been a content nun. I live grateful every day for God’s blessings and love in my life.

I don’t think God expected us to just live on His love alone though. That’s why He organized families. His way of showing His love for us is by blessing us with families who love us and whom we can give our love to. In most cases, the love of a parent for a child and vice versa is an unbreakable bound. As imperfect as we all are and as hard as we may try to bury that love sometimes, deep down, it is still there and will continue after this life. 

The love between a man and a woman can be the most fulfilling, rewarding, sought after love on the earth. It is a powerful force that can be used, like most things in life, for good or ill. This love should not be confused with the natural, physical desire that often accompanies the higher, more spiritual aspect of love. The two can be separated without enjoying the fulness of joy that can only come with the two combined. 

I have known both. I have been blessed with the fulness of joy that comes from the combination of that higher, spiritual love with the physical manifestation of that love. I have now also experienced a partner who only pretended to embrace the spiritual sense of love while acting upon the physical impulses. Nothing hurt more than finding out the truth.

I have never had a desire or even been tempted in my life to drink alcohol or get drunk. Until after he broke my heart. I have never been tempted to swear or use curse words until he broke my heart. I have never been tempted to end my life until he broke my heart. Forty-seven years old and for the first time, for a moment or two, I entertained the thoughts of all three of these horrible evils. How did I get there?

At first, I wanted the pain to go away, so I thought getting drunk might be fun. In making a place in my mind even for a minute or two to those thoughts, I left the door open for more of Satan’s evil influence. I have never been one to throw tantrums or lose control of my temper, but again, for a few minutes, I wanted to curse and swear and I did in my mind. I then complained out loud that, “I am done with this stupid life.” 

As blessed as I have been in life, this could not go on for long. I began to realize the presence of evil and gradually regained control of myself. I slammed the door on Satan and begged God’s forgiveness. 

My heart goes out to all those who don’t know any better. Don’t give in to the enemy of your soul, the enemy of us all. There is a better way. There is a higher road to take that will lead to happier outcomes. Start with realizing that God is real and truly loves you and wants to help you heal. The best way to heal is by forgetting yourself, accepting God's love for you and then returning His love to others. Imagine a world where everyone tried this, even if only for one week. The closest we come to this is Christmas. Now you know the secret to Christmas all year round.